Portugal and Cristiano

cristiano......
//...first full day of summer and its been quite confusing to say the least. im having to do alot of tasks which i really dont want to do. a person who always follows her heart, im finding it hard to make myself do somthing...

and i have this growing glowing warm feeling towards cristiano too...ohh..
ive actually cstarted to make another cristiano video..well i do have subscribers so might aswell....and its going to be sik. loll

also going to start the "college" section of my novel....there seriously needs to be a college section..let whats happened in the last two years flourish and take dream like roles in my novel.!! and project lisbon..my graphic design/ fine art project will beging soon which will carry on in to the lisbon trip and finish on arrival!!!!!

oh i still have to decide on the contents of my suitcase...its hard enough packing for a normal beach holiday back..home to then go and add the problems of indian clothes , jewellery and ..oh my...so much to dooo... :)
but i think i might be ready for this..
need to start doing my early morning bik rides...get rid of excess flab or low slung saris and tankinis will be a distant dream.... haha

i need a really good cry..but its just stuck..all the emotions. im on some kind of reminicing mode...oh god. two years..its the absolute end now......................

tomorrow takes place the last college exam..then i will be hoping to get my place in university...

physics exam..hmm. not in the mood to be saying alot..im scared that something..some knowledge for tomorrows exam which ive very painfully stored in my over loaded brain might fall out of it..so until tmorrow...im keeping it short

spain vs portugal tomorrow...loveee CR and the portugues team. go boys and make the country proud

and yet again i am captured into the realms of sleepless nights.
well, two exams today and they seem to be getting progressively harder. i was very upset and demotivated by my own efforts and their subsequent effects on my overall grade. i keep thinking that in the end it will all be fine because bad things done seem to happen too often in terms of final finall permanent grades ...hm. so when i did eventually pluck up the courage to make up various combinations of marks up for my 6 maths and 2 physics papers i found that the A's and B's were still reachable! thats made me feel alot better and come on to blogger to write about my shit like crap day and how at 11:30pm i feel perhaps this shit like crap day wasnt all too bad.
hm. so no i only have 1 more exam left. no more excuses u have to perform well in this one for the higher grades. we're off to portugal for two weeks and the endless possibilities of both photography and experimental art work seem to invade my mind, clog it up almosst...i need a journal fast, soon, before i start writing on the walls ...tomorrow for sure

my new sari belt!

had yet another sari try on "moment"....cant get enough of playing around with large glittery materials...eg sari! lol. a day before really important exam day and i end up playing around with saris..

not the right attitude, had a nap. feels good now. but now im on here which i shouldnt be. arg..everythings going way wrong here. but i have to state a reallt wierd thing, i keep thinking about the stuff for the exams while im going sleep or lying in bed. so i guess all is not bad. im absorbing somthing.!

and yeah the silly unregulated heart beatings stopped now. high blood pressure..its reminding me but i dont think it is. its just too much stress...over not knowing anything and yet im still sitting here complaining rather than doing anything about it.

forgive me my weakness..

i didnt think i would have to do this, but an evening of random eating , stress and too much goaless football has left me like this..cant sleep.

these days im getting some really long and complex dreams aswell...they just go on forever and they are so long and have chapters to them that i even forget parts of them. only this morning i woke up feeling depressed....asking my self mentally on my mood, i found that i was indeed depressed because of what had happened in the dream, only it was a dream and then i wasnt so depressed anymore.

most of my dreams are just random, but yesterday night was specific, as it included a wierd kind of mandir that i know..well i cant say for sure ...but i dont think it exits...ok im freaking myself out. enough of that

i know this will sound really wierd but the thought of university life is depressing me. the course is fine, i love it, its going to be my life. but on and overall note when i think about it, it becomes a dingy thought. perhaps college was soo good in terms of friends and social life that i worry that university just cant get better or can it? only time will tell. i see myself more often than not in some work shop, wood work, metal, plastic or in the library or on CAD in the computer suite...its just not exciting enough. i think im goingg to hate the first term like i hated college...but the more i hated college at the beginning the more i liked it at the end and the harder it became to leave, i think the same thing may occur again on a even grander scale.

i was wondering if i would meet the odd international student, portuguese perhaps, im asking for tooo much now. ive always wannted someone who i could relate to about how they are finding living in england...part of my love for cristiano was because i could relate to him so well.

that song seems to return to my mind every evening.......speaking quitely .carefully. not letting the words drop and smash from your mouth for they shall be revealed to others. and now its not letting me go to sleep, buzzing around my mind like a buzzy bee.

ahh. yes i feel like a half genius having just editted the html of the template so that now the twitter link does send you staight to my twitter. not thats it very exciting but having half dead hyperlinks is no fun.

i want dreamweaver now!

right, im having one of thos grimy horrid headachy days where youve woken up late, keep yawning all day, get headaches by the evening as you just havent rested enough and ..done. the days messed up.

oh and then revision. i dont feel like ive done sufficient work to be able to portray my real capabilities in the exams.

i was thinking today. no actually since i arrived in leicester and since the whole issue came up, where we make fun out of our own culture. i understand to a certain extent. but i think its high time people stopped making fun out of who we actually are. we dont even know the reall meaning of the word "freshie" and we go round randomly tagging people who seem to show their culture......haha. ok fine its funny when you have the odd indian ringtone go off on the bus or something..

but i think most young british indians have a sense of arrogance about them. for if you have never been in the absence of it, you shall never realise its importance. i devour off the indian culture that is present here, who knows when im out of this place due to career or what ever other reasons i will miss this strong presence of culture that surrounds me now. the fact that i arrived from a place where, in those days, there was only one indian vegetable shop in the entire capital city, one dry indian goods shop and indian clothes shops were almost non existent makes me want to love the things here even more. so yeah i may be freshie if thats how you want to put it. ...but in my words its just my affection towards who i am and im just loving it for as long as i have it ...because one day perhaps i wont.

well im hoping for an early night today after some maths and football. cant stop thinking about the camera, its so compact and yet so powerful..

the idea of learning portuguese and getting a rigid qualification in it has taken off in a large way in the family now and im rather keen on getting to grips with my national language i think i have always felt a slight emptiness not having it as tool by which to arm myself with. ...its about time i got on and took it seriously as i do beleive it will be a large factor in my future.

and yeah . ive opened the comments up for all readers, so do feel free.
im talking to much so..

that number 17 cristiano ronaldo shirt thats been hanging in my room for almost 4 years now, i decided to take it off the hanger and wear it, tucked it in, its big . if they even go through past the group stages i have a real desire which i like to ignore, to wear it out of the house. sometimes i get anxious that i might get attacked. if i like ronaldo so much there are others out there who hate him as much and i think, is it worth it ..being kicked punched or bullied because of cristiano. i shouldnt be thinking like this. its should all be unrequitted......

i want to write something but im falling sleep.
i hate late nights which follow on to late mornings, i seem to either develop heachaches on such days or just wake up in a bad mood as i have wasted what could have been valuable revision time. and then theres those mornings when i do wake up early and waste time...either way im annoyed i waste time and still annoyed that i lacked motivation for revision which resulted in the time being wasted. enough revision reviews of my all to often abandoned or non existant revisions though.

hm. found myself humming the song i posted below..as i went about doing my daily routine ...little worried now. oh yes world cup reminds me..shakira.ronaldo. i must post that video montage of cristiano with shakiras hips dont lie,...oh baby when you talk like that you make a woman go mad...in this case id like to reform that and say. oh baby when you talk, walk, wink, smile, run, dribble, scream, shout, eat...kiss, laugh...my minds running out of verbs...you make me loose all sense.....

looking around my room, im starting to comprhend only now, the extent of this years after college shopping trips, weekend mad man purchases and unecessary events which i bought new clothes for. nicely reformed wardrobe i must ssay, feel like gok when i find myself sitting at the sewing maachine adding on the odd bit of haberdashery item on my clothes. but no. more than anything this academic year has seen mee change in appearence in a mammoth way. 1. ive put on like so mmany kilograms i dont bother to check my weight i mean when one can feel flab around the neck and wrist, you know your in trouble. 2...shirts, shirts and more shirts i turned into a shirt maniac. 3. jacket...jacket shirt, shirt jacket...it just made me feel like an architect..now i want a tie M&S and next are good..ive had my eye on then for soooome time.i dont know why but i liked to get into the whole architect way...4. broaches. 5 scarves....the gucci designs and other such designer remakes remain my favourites but on a practical level i always had the blue polka dot one on. i just adore the way the womens scarves are making such a come back this spring and summer season because ive actually lived long enough to remember the last time they were such a hype. in portugal atleast, all the middle aged women had one,.the high class wore them over the head with large shades going around in convertibles. the most amusing aspect was that as a child i hated my mum wearing one of these scarves over her head....and now im loving them...only to hear mother complain how i wouldnt let her wear it then. its the 80's or 90's im talking about and i do love those decades. for it reminds me especially of a torrential downpour one winter evening that occured in lisbon, my mother in her courrt shoes, her white and brown bordered muted sari, the gucci remake scarf, and how we both walked down the sleeply gradiented street after drawing the shutters down, the cobbled streets becoming a prominent hazard with the amount of water passing over it, my clothes getting wetter . it was dark, but the street shone under the moonlight, the water gushed downwards ......and i wonder sometimes are my memories fading or becoming ever more vibrant by the day?

oh my, this is real torture, need to sleep ..

Upon reading me recent posts again...im finding it really annoying that i actually cant spell. so i would like to apologise for even the most blatant spelling mistakes. as im just not able to see them while typing ...like a blind bat..and posting without rechecking!!

ah .ok just discovered the spell checker does exist. so i hope the spelling mistakes do cease to exit from now on..

I remember as a young girl, of 8 perhaps seeing this video on some Asian channel. and somehow it has some kind of magic attached to it, it had made a mark is some way. as today it crossed my mind again as i went through my physics revision...perhaps because of the cross culture relationship that is being shown..Sydney just reminds me of back home. everything just reminds me of back home coming to think of it. river, bridge, building of some prominent style and i remember home. :D

its just an amazing composition in terms of music, have to admit i dont understand the entire breadth of the lyrics and how it all fits in with the situation being shown but its a heart touching, soul warming video ...actually the girl reminds me of myself..the hair, the plastic bangles, the clothes ( not that i wear indian clothes on a day to day basis but my inner self does), the rangoli. haha. i do make myself go out in to the cold and make a rangoli every diwali...no cristiano yet with his "rugby" ball ..im dreaming way out of control now...anything is possible.

it makes me feel increasingly positive about cristiano., everything is possible when we unblock our rigid ways. perhaps im turning in to a a pankaj udhas fan. ew. lol he looks like some weird guy who sings really depressing love songs or something..but i think they are cool at times..especially when they become situational as they portray a sensitive side of life which these days has become difficult to view through our changed lifestyles.

physics revision is running well right now and i do feel that little bit more confident about it..i hope my brain decideds to function on the day. but even after saying that i still have maths to do. alot of maths. only realised this morning that the amount of maths i have done in the last couple of days is phenomenal so ive taken a break from trigonometric differentiation today to equating equations to do with gravitational potential and coulombs law..almost as bad.! ...

I cant believe this anymore, i have real issues.. you can prove, blogging from the smartphone.
Its nearing eleven and im so tired i feel like a wrecked corpse but this tiredness surpasses so i cant even sleep. all i can smell is the polo sport raulph lauren mens perfume i sprayed on this evening. bad decision....its left me pretty annoyed now.
From a deep and intense social life to being caught in the realms of the cyber world im finding myself increasingly inclined towards the blog. The overall time spent with friends diminishes to nothingness and now look ive resorted to talking to myself. for who is going to bother to read this..?


revision tomorrow. i was primarily planning to wake up early, todays breakfast accompanied with bbc breakfast news felt somewhat professional, scenic and in a positive way cliched. i dont see myself waking up to repeat this mornings fortunes, seeing as i have decided to write some long stuff down on here..

ah yes another aspect of life which was previously just a thought, an outside consideration another persons loose ideas have today unconsciously become a part of me.settled within me.. im talking about choosing between your career and personal life, it comes a choice im having to make a little early, for its not possible to have both

coming from and indian family, conservative but modern the very aspects that made me proud are today are suppressing me in to a more tighter space where i feel there is little room to move. my parents have always wanted me to become a professional..but my overpowering sense of determination has lead to choosing a career which really does ask for alot more than it is allowed to. architecture my love, i called it my love, now it shall become my partner, as my friends gets boyfriends ...and even get married..and perhaps even have children ill be with architecture my first and only love. haha. im making this sound terrible. but i love it alot and anything for it. i feel like the architecture version of a nun or something...whats worse is that not only is the course lengthy but to really establish yourself in the profession you need a good deal of experience im talking about ten to fifteen years to become a senior or associate.
nevertheless i feel an infinite drive withing my even now as i am in a half sleep mode...i need a journal . i need to let this energy out, i keep getting design ideas. i keep seeing things. i need to draw before it bursts in side and poisons me..

i keep hearing cristiano. my AAG cristiano wanting to know his and anishas future in the novel...i need to let this out ..and let it be transformed into words.

i think i am going a little insane.perhaps its just the time of day

(white ivory, french rose,)rimmel london.art journal..zzzitswaypastmybedtime.

yep. ive changed the template for the blog.
I thought, new blogging year so..might aswell get the design up to date with my current taste. well this is what i found...its ok i suppose. the black strips on either side are annoying though. needed to blend more.! but im rather fond of the vector art at the top and the burnt/ erroded paper edges. still some things to sort out... theres a twitter link only it doesnt go to any specific place. annoying
and i need to add a hyperlink to the novel picture on the right...but the CR17 forum is very very . extremely busy right now so i cant even enter the website. it goes to show that yes us fan girls are mad. so mad that we do cause a a lot of interent traffic in to the forum! or perhaps we just have too many opinions about cristiano which will like to exert upon one another! :)

love this song . for it reminds me of 10th march onwards towards the last few days of college.

10th march? it was the day i found out what the future was going to hold for me, the applicant open day for the architecture coure. i remember quite clearly walking past the what used to be the pheonix theatre and then in to the university campus, confident as i ever could be and this song racing through my mind ..."tere liye" literally translating as "for you" and for architecture i could do anything..the wind brushing my hair back and it felt as though i was walking towards me future against all the resistances...oh just an amazing time...thats recaptivated with this song on a personal level.

I didnt know i was going to be so shaken for this exam. life depends on it now ...college really does desensetise (sp.) you to exams with 4 rounds!! over two years. im not enjoying it even though its the last time. perhaps as it is the last time. no more retake opportunities!

nani rules out the world cup. oh great. (not. im freaking out a bit now) what are portugals prospects now? :

Its getting late now, nearing 9pm. though today im trying to channel my exhausted energies back in to activities enjoy, blogging is considered to be one. Perhaps such routines shall help me get back in to a good revision routine too. I realised some hours ago that exams are coming fast, and soon they become intenese when i will be doing three exams in a matter of three days so im worrying now, or perhaps planning on how to mentally be prepared for some sort of failure.

Im not quite sure but this year, academically it hasnt been so good. Ok so the art was fine, thats because i have a genuine interest in it and thats where i find my future to lie. Maths and physics can also be an integral part of my life and career but somehow i dont want them to be and therefore they shall not and so my interest in these subjects has died down right down to nil and then in to negative numerals...the only motivation towards these subjects is the need to to well, the desire for success in what ever action you take and do it the best you can.

Theres almost like a block against these subjects my mind refuses to budge, the brain cells call a hault , a strike. please may i be excused from these subjects now, its beyond conprehension now on how bad im finding it to go through the exams for these subjects. I hope this is the last of the venomous torture i have to go through. From here onwards i see history and technology lectures..photoshop, CAD and studio and workshop based life.!

The small period in life which follows after the end of an art course..life without art is like a life lived without self realisation. hm.
Its been about a month since the art course finished now, and it seems as though the intricacy, the elaboration and the detail has been gotten ridden off..all thats follows is the maths and physics now.

i miss going to the art shops, thats the worst part of it. Some days i get the feeling, "oh yeah!.got to visit the art shop for new materials!" only to later realise i dont need to go to the art shop, paper, new markers, paints or inks are no longer a requirement

But it doesnt have to be like this and im hoping on keeping a sketchbook close to me on my trip to Lisbon this July. Last time i think i made myself photograph as many buidings as possible, thought looking back at them i find myself in a better position in terms of knowledge to try again on this trip, the photos, the sketches ...and see how it turns out.

Everytime i think of the up coming Lisbon trip, (volcanic ash clouds permitting. its been bothering me..what if it erupts again and we cant go?)/..all i think about is food. haha. there was a time i could go without eating for hours and hours, but now all i think about is the chocolate cake that i ate on my last trip sitting at the side of the river, the barbequed chicken on the shingle beach and the icecreams as we walked along the cobble streets.

Another must-have, target of this trip is to purchase another pair of sandles from Seaside. that place is just too good to be true and im hoping to get my third pair very soon. Sounding mad, i know, but its the type of place you enter knowing youll leave with a new pair of shoes that will last for a long long time.

ive just realised how much of a "friend" i need whom i can confide in...not to disrespect my actualy friends who are lovely. but ....i can be "long" at times.

hmm...so many ups and downs this year.
just finished todays revision...i think.
unless i get another revision urge to try another math or physics question.

and all of a sudden im feeling really hot. ..weather in britain really is a large topic in itself.

CRISTIANO.. i cant wait for the world cup to begin. but ive just looked at the possiblities and its looking pretty bleak as we are in the group of death ..but we cant write them off.
so viva portugal xxx

this song has a line, which has inspired me to resume the progress of the novel..

Well, its ten days short of being a whole entire year since i last posted. And it seems as though this past year has flewn by so fast its been hard to grasp on to any one moment for too long.

So much has happened, so much that was never previously even imagined off and theres a sense of emotion that seems to catch the back of my throat everytime i think too hard any one particular past moment. In a wierd sort of way, college which has now ended had become an essential part of life and now its gone.

The next part of life beckons, this is the part ive been awaiting for the past five years. But im wondering whether perhaps its come round too quickly, ambivalence and confusion on this still occur.

My thoughts on Cristiano have changed so much, im scared of saying this but yes, the fan girl mind perhaps is fading away, and the professional side of me prevails. i think the heart has let go of him and yet the mind knows that this is not the right way. i still dream though. Upon reading my own previous posts im somewhat embarassed, was i crazy? yes. had i lost it? yes. but i liked it that way. Living my dreams out aload, perhaps im becoming too practical these days.

Concerning the novel, it has always been a semi-autobiographical.fanfic. and as time goes past the plot and storyline undergo change and this is what i want to rewrite. i think two years of college have been a real rollercoast from forbidden love, to jeousy, anguish and distinguished passion..its all just going to make the lacking plot of the novel stonger and the story more vivid.
The current version of the novel is still available on the CR17 forum, under fan fiction section . AN ARCHITECT'S GOAL