sometimes, theres times when i just want to complain about everything, theres nothing to be happy about. theres two stages, the angry war torn, abrasive type of unhappy where your feeling like things never go your way, complaicency and anger prevail all moods and then theres the type other type of unhappy which i am right now, the emotional soft kind of unhappy, mentally rocked and broken from within, heartache ....
..heartache is the worst. i think ive been through it too much on the past two or three years. when cristiano left last year i was left in some wierd heart broken situation. its physical quantities are non existant and it makes it all the more worse to handle....i just lay there on the sofa, watching him in LA...heartbreak 1. was seeing him with paris hilton. 2. leaving england. id had enough that time.
now. right now i have exams to go through . and time in which i should be really preparing myself and encouraging myself with the right attitudes and here i am again, same spot. so much going on at the same time.....the ink which writes my life, which portrays my life and which goes in to filling in my pupils is witness to all that has happened which goes in to my unhappiness
i just want to delve myself in to my make beleif life that i have full control over , in which nothing can go wrong without my permission. in which life and its destinies cant short change me ...its about time i escaped to my novel. i really miss it and it is the only way i can dream without fear of knowing i may be going over the limits or even that the dream may fail me
everything i wanted to happen which hasnt happened i shall make it happen.
i wonder sometimes. when really big bad things happen to you. cant ever big good things happen. im waiting for that day when big good things happen. i wouldnt mind ending my life for if it came i would be very happy ...and wouldnt mind it to be my last few breathes.
ok. i think ive had enough abstract talk for the moment.
but generally speaking i have a maddening twist to add to the novel and modify the literature to a greater degree too which i am explosively excited about but exams are coming inthe way for the next three weeks but i just cant help it..
also this blog, is really wonderfully amazingly tremendously helful. and i curse my self for leaving it and not writing though i didnt have enough time when i go to think about it more rationally.
just blogging for the last few weeks has proved a great way in which to re awaken that voice that was born during the last few weeks of year 11 and talked to me..narrating the novel for me..and its been able to make a come back and i finding that soon ill be able to get back in to some serious writing ..its just a matter of time.
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