Portugal and Cristiano

im astounded by the recent response via comments ive ben getting for the blog
thanks everyone out there.
it would be nice to have names to comments so please do write your names ..its better than being labelled anonymous. thanks once again.

hm uni life is seriously too busy to be writting it up on here...but ill do it once i get a breather in from the hectic lifestyle...its so close to that of a real life working architect. very exciting ..

i find reading horoscopes almost fascinating ..to read them is to be knowing the future without living it and perhaps even plan on how and what can be done to prevent events or perhaps even just be that little bit cautious.

some beleive them, other think they are rubbish but in my opnion those who do not beleive in them are being ignorant...to the truth.
those who do not beleive in god. or some kind of eternal power..are also being ignorant. to beleive in something that cannot be seen or felt..is to beleive in ones self.
how are you to beleive you will suceed in life..when you have not suceeded already...beleive in this eternal power and your beleif in anything else. ei sucess shall come naturally...

to beleive in an eternal power is to beleive in the unseen..and so your dreams and aspirations become so much more easier to beleive in ....

there is an increase in ignorance and people are being more and more unaccepting of the facts ,the truth. and off others around them and so the violence, the wars, the hatred and blood shed. theres nothing more to it. Acceptance is the key

...cant wait to get university started and underway.
then again ..i have this deep dark emotion running through me which ceases to stop..................this sense of sadness.
i pretend i dont care and that ive gotton over it..but i havent.
daily life continues but i havent forgotton ..memories of lisbon are killing me from within

..i love things to be planned. i wonder sometimes will i be able to find someone.im talking about a soul mate..who understands me the way i am. this must be the first time im talking about finding someone like this...CR..ha. in my wildest most unbleleivable dreams ..and even then not..

just found out one of my mates from lisbon is getting married. :S ..my ages ..damn. how.can. she.
even the thought suffocates me. eeeekkk.no no no.no way. in hell on a personal level.

:)

dont you just love it when your favourite song comes on the radio or music channel..TERI ORE teri ore teri ore...teri ore teri ore...

went to prizegiving yesterday and felt pretty wierd.and still do. it seemed as though the end of some long journey. it was so long and complicated that only the very recent aspects of it were remebered..
it was sad and at the same time i was feeling happy.
i felt as though i was in some kind of trance, was it really me who had acheived the acheivements for which i was being praised for by others, my teachers...hm
i feel as though im good for nothing and its like...hm. was it really me who did allthat work? was it really me who understood those thoeries.

the wierdest thing was that i was seated in pretty much the same place as where i took my last exam i nthe great hall. and that just..remineded me of so much..the whole exams saga and who and what and why and where all over again. i remebered my revision leave...

Bitter Sweet Moments.

upon returning back home i felt a sense of uncontent so i couldnt go to sleep even though my eyes were so very tired and hurt so very badly. a sense of content uncontent. an empty wholesome feeling...tingling out of happiness today morning i feel proud of myself.

well after months of deliberation yesterday had about an inch of my hair cut..lol
it was one of these thingsi would avoid, but my hair was getting out of control..abit to long. it reached my wait :S

does anyone find eyeliner ticklish? ha. i do and its annoying.ticklish in painfull sensation wise. urgh

well just had a local grocery shop morning with my mother and to complete the trip i did get ot use my umbrella that i was carrying around all throughout my journey due to a moderate shower. its got me wet and im dressed for tonights awards evening at college so had to blow dry the hair again much to my annoyance.

as for university, its getting close, induction.enrolment week and the nerves are building up now. all that confidence suddenly evaporated and im even scared for tonight at awards.

im tired, im really very tired. my eyes hurt alot on a queer sort of way so i gave up on the long hours on the laptop and mobile phone for some days.

well yesterday i was browsing around just looking around at the blog templates and got bit attached to one of them. the current one is really dark and i cant take it anymore!! i really want to change it...but its a bit of a hassle....but i realy want to soo....might go for it..later on.
just loving the whole light water colour effect, i think it reflects alot on my own personality and what i am about, and what i was up to for the last 4 years!!!!

omg this is just heavanly !!! LOL
hes hot.fit and so damn finee. :D
CRISTIANO RONALDO thats why theres love. serious love dear

i just opened the 150 paged document called the AAG. [an architect's goal] and a sudden surge of happiness is gushing out of me.....i was mad...a mad mad mad girl. and his love made me like that. and i love him for that!!! CRistiano. theres love dear theres serious love.

ok so now im exciting myself ,with the largest twist planned for the novel which will take it on a new road altogether and my india experiences nicely configured to be written up.!!!! aaahhahaha im excited/ ...i think as soon as i open the word document it releases some kind of power from within it and captures the writer in me to write write write until...i cannot anymore..and even then write.
and all this excitement is making me dreadfully hungry!

this is what made Year 11 worth studying. the novel worth writing and life worth living.

well im finding it increasingly annoying that as i start my laptop the wireless internet connectivity...basically my router is being a tramp and having problems with the wireless. i dont know whether its the internet provider or the router...

before i hardly thought aobut it. as soon as i saw the desktop i knew i could acess the internet.. now.....grr..i have to make a good few trips back downstairs to sort the router out. and the thing is that i physically cant sort it out, it does it by itself .all hell.

hmm. now the black sari event in edging ever closer and my mother who decided the border to the sari was not good enough has take a mammoth task in the "restoration" of the entire sari!!! so shes doing that..its looking pretty good tohugh so im getting excited to wear it aswell. also because its black and whereas before i was having major tantrums over wearing black im looking foreward to it...probably cus of all the sequins and diamonds and pearls and glitter.!! yipee. ...

and yesterdays 3am i mean this mornings 3am sleep.....gosh i shouldnt have done that. its like having a non alchoholic hangover. ive had a horrid headache and had a short nap too which hasnt fixed anything...

i need to go shoping. new shirt and trousers required for prizegiving which is next thursday..so back to college for the evening! which im also looking foreward to cus college was a good place in the end.

i woke up after a really late night. 5 hours of sleep later i find an email outlining the dire state of the portuguese national team and how ronaldo shouldbe replaced by queresma.
i very much agree to this and also the sacking of mr queiroz, i dont think hes helping out at all.



and yesterday i was watching some music channel ...and came across this starts of stupid and not liking it all that much but i like the chorus so..for that.
for which ever song ...

just loving the bass on my pc speakers /..laptops cant live up to the bass that the amplifier on my pc gives. its amazing. its goes through the entire house! haha..



not into this guy all that much either but one listens ok though..hm

standing at the window, tuned in to cidade fm, lisbon, portugal. i looked out as far as my eye could see at the blueness of the river, the way it sparkled and glimmered. the way the buildings reflected the sunlight, the way the cars crossed the bridge.......july /august 2007/ probably the best six weeks i spent living in lisbon ..and even remebereing it makes my hand shake now out of emotion that threats to spill.

Hoti zara chahat sada hi sarphiri
Aankhon se ho aankhon pe ye jadugari

હોતી ઝારા ચાહત સદા હી સર્ફીરી
આંખો સે હો આંખો પે યે જાદુગરી

as the last few months wore on..

WHY DID YOU DO IT CRISTIANO ?!!!
WHY WHY WHY

today im intent on making this public that im really annoyed, shocked and left absolutely devastated that my role model has made his private life in to a joke!!!

WHY and as it happend i feel as though im drifting further and further away from him.i lived in the shodow of your love but that love seems to have evaporated away in to the air to leave me in the brash light of society...alone and wondering.
feeling like i cannot trust anyone.

my minds saying fuckin' hell why the fuck did you do it, you stupid asshole. has yourm ind been washed, dryed and ironed by the money that i think that you cannt even count up to... it wasnt bloody necessary!!! but its not appropriate language to write and i wouldnt write it ...

somthing amazing about this ...and yet again reminds me of back home. LISBON by night in the bairro.
still discovering though...some how it send me back to my childhood and those market fairs we used to go to..aveiro, nazare, beija and all thos places...good times, old time, beloved time.

im not giving up, im not giving up on love.

nothing else matter, its just the two of us.....
i said im not giving up im not giving up on us....

reminds me of back home , i keep hoping that one day i to can cruise the riverside, the long empty stretches of road in lisbon in some kind of chic convertable sports car with the wind going through my hair, undulating it...i dream of such a day to come.

your eyes have been permanently fixated within the walls of my memory..

i once submerged my heart in the pools of your eyes, its seems to plunge deeper and deeper

yes the content and stability of the heart are forever more removed.

going through a transition period in life is no joke.
and this is one of them ..the move from college to university [i need chips right now] is probably another one of those mammoth leaps and im leaping right now? ha.

not only that but ties up loose ends, art work collection, new people, new bonds, prizegiving...and to top things off hows about a birthday party...with dress code BLACK.
BLAck?
black?
blsskfnack?

um yes black . its been almost a year since i gave up on aLL and yes i really do mean all black clothes, not a single piece of black clothing has been worn by myself since a about last summer! and now black. ok
ok
ill wear it...its dress code! like uniform . no choice.

actually this could be more fun....ITS A BLACK SARI EVENT!!! [with sari belt obviously]

im sitting here quite annoyed with myself for mistakenly deleting enomous amounts of my "pictures" folder on my laptop!! its fortunate that some of it is still on back up on the pc...like my CR photo collection and other such files. the recyclying bin is somewhere that does exit on the laptop, but its like literally jumping in to a rubbish bin!

yesterday, i purchased another cybershot, to replace the former cybershot, which i have to say really did keep up with ,my rough tough life ...school and college bag adventures. so many good memories were captured and had with the sony d35 that yes some how im going to miss its touch...

but d350 is....a pleasure to use :smile detection, priority adult and children face detections, clever features which adapt to the scene and situation...its quite cool.

...other than that. some horrible sleep less nights, days when i want to go out and just walk..walk..walk like the lands end...#
some creapy dreams lately...and nightmares even..waking me up at 10pm to leave me exhausted for the follwing day after i finally find sleep in the early hours of the morning..
excitement builds for university and loan and grant money is eagerly awaited...shopping and such trips....most certainly already planned...

for today im ust happy i can see the blue sky , even though its dotted with the odd clouds. yes its england, and yes i see blue sky. [finally]

and im breathing a deep sign of releif as im accpeted in to the architecture course at university ...after recieving my results today!!!
theres only one actualything i want to thank.
and thats that eternal power whom we all see differently through religion .i know its there or today would really not have been possible.
thank god!

today as results day drews ever closer, theres a real sense of sincerity growing within me.
im scared, frightened, fear ; the metallic sort that starts in my throat and spread like a poison throught my body, making my legs shake and my heart beats skip and summersault.!

fear, the type i feel before the physics exam...the crying type of fear where no one but your self can helf its self...

i try to convince myself, i have 2/3's of the results already, im only waiting for the other 1/3rd...but the determination to get a hundred percentage sucess and content wreak havoc within me, starting off panic attacks and the sort...

the dream could very well start...in a couple of days, falling short of it will be a real heartbreaker!

i need to see the so called meteor showers tonight if they are still around as i do need to make a good few wishes. they could come in handy at this crucial time in life. ...

if i were in lisbon i would have viewed them from an amazing torrel or somthing or other by now, the night sky looks ever so beautiful over there...the river, the other side of the river, planes landing, their sound as they fly over..amazing...and then these stars shooting...damn it i feel so underpriviledged!

ever felt like when you look into the mirror you see someone else, not yourself? my inner self seems to look and feel so much different to what i see in the mirror sometimes.

hmm. the diary of events seems to be getting busier at this time of the year as results day is now less than a week away, art work collection (now this is something im really not looking foreward to as the family car i think will be packed to the boot door with large scale models, portfolios and other more irregular shaped art peices..then theres prizegiving..still need to think of what im going to wear to this place. it becomess a difficult task to choose what kind of look one may want when in fact ive been attending college in smart dress for the past 6 months now..so what kind of smart dress now.....initial thoughts of a skirt are now quickly on diminishing point. which i am very annoyed with. as a female i dont know whats wrong with me, whats the shame in wearing a skirt but i guess we are too used to wearing the trousers..

..oh and then theres enrolement week for university, thats if results days is any sucess..which i dearly hope and wish it is.
hmm i hope the party starts from then on. today i got the biggest feeling of wanting to meet new people, increase the friends circle towards national and international people, coming out of the hiding place to meet greet, share and see what others have to say, do and are about!....so i guess bring it on.cus im ready for it.finally the minds opened up.

finally i am feeling well enough to sit at the laptop long enough to give an account of my recent trip to lisbon...

well i did want to get away, but what was on my mind was to get more "material" for the summer project, investigate lisbon in a different way, analyse it, record it in another manner from past trips. i think out of all the trips was was the most "commercial"...the emotions and feelings and thoughts of childhood ceased to exist and all i wanted was the material coming in from what ever the experience whether it be photos or videos, postcards or souvenirs...everything had to have a result...no wasting time. every trip, ever step every minute had to be spent wisely. what has the united kindgom and myy college courses done to me..a heartless girl i felt at times, scouring the city like a shameless national looking for things all the time to make every minute worthwhile.

it was those breif times with family memebers, visit of the site where my former home had been and encounters with certain people and areas that evoked the slight emotion....iron woman. finally not crying at the aiport as we left......perhaps england now has some kind of attachment, or growing up..18 years of age changes you to accpet change in a less dramatic way.

going to the beach i still remember as my skin is now peeling in certain places and i have a very nice tan in the shape of my swimwear in my back......

this video has made me laugh a good few times...that guy looks like someone..

;)

"YOUR LOVE IS A HERO"

hmm.much of what she says is so true in so many ways, what i love the most is that its got that amazing beat which means its makes me smile and even makes me want ot dance... even on such lyrics.! :D
and no i really dont think Rascal Flatts is better at this song....its belongs to Cascada now..!!!!! :)

Sometimes it really does feel like a the last..the last chance, the break off point and yet i still insist on not taking any action..



...hes changed so much over these four years.
unrequitted id planned it to be but will i be able to keep this up any longer even i dont know.

just need to get away to lisbon and do some fun stuff!! beach. parties. barbeques. metro. train....oh .................lisboaa..still about 10 days left until i go!!!

i hate this anticlimax thats come out of the end of the exams.
cant wait to do my lisbon barcelona, madrid trip.

im so confused..so depressed like...bored. ahhh

cristiano......
//...first full day of summer and its been quite confusing to say the least. im having to do alot of tasks which i really dont want to do. a person who always follows her heart, im finding it hard to make myself do somthing...

and i have this growing glowing warm feeling towards cristiano too...ohh..
ive actually cstarted to make another cristiano video..well i do have subscribers so might aswell....and its going to be sik. loll

also going to start the "college" section of my novel....there seriously needs to be a college section..let whats happened in the last two years flourish and take dream like roles in my novel.!! and project lisbon..my graphic design/ fine art project will beging soon which will carry on in to the lisbon trip and finish on arrival!!!!!

oh i still have to decide on the contents of my suitcase...its hard enough packing for a normal beach holiday back..home to then go and add the problems of indian clothes , jewellery and ..oh my...so much to dooo... :)
but i think i might be ready for this..
need to start doing my early morning bik rides...get rid of excess flab or low slung saris and tankinis will be a distant dream.... haha

i need a really good cry..but its just stuck..all the emotions. im on some kind of reminicing mode...oh god. two years..its the absolute end now......................

tomorrow takes place the last college exam..then i will be hoping to get my place in university...

physics exam..hmm. not in the mood to be saying alot..im scared that something..some knowledge for tomorrows exam which ive very painfully stored in my over loaded brain might fall out of it..so until tmorrow...im keeping it short

spain vs portugal tomorrow...loveee CR and the portugues team. go boys and make the country proud

and yet again i am captured into the realms of sleepless nights.
well, two exams today and they seem to be getting progressively harder. i was very upset and demotivated by my own efforts and their subsequent effects on my overall grade. i keep thinking that in the end it will all be fine because bad things done seem to happen too often in terms of final finall permanent grades ...hm. so when i did eventually pluck up the courage to make up various combinations of marks up for my 6 maths and 2 physics papers i found that the A's and B's were still reachable! thats made me feel alot better and come on to blogger to write about my shit like crap day and how at 11:30pm i feel perhaps this shit like crap day wasnt all too bad.
hm. so no i only have 1 more exam left. no more excuses u have to perform well in this one for the higher grades. we're off to portugal for two weeks and the endless possibilities of both photography and experimental art work seem to invade my mind, clog it up almosst...i need a journal fast, soon, before i start writing on the walls ...tomorrow for sure

my new sari belt!

had yet another sari try on "moment"....cant get enough of playing around with large glittery materials...eg sari! lol. a day before really important exam day and i end up playing around with saris..

not the right attitude, had a nap. feels good now. but now im on here which i shouldnt be. arg..everythings going way wrong here. but i have to state a reallt wierd thing, i keep thinking about the stuff for the exams while im going sleep or lying in bed. so i guess all is not bad. im absorbing somthing.!

and yeah the silly unregulated heart beatings stopped now. high blood pressure..its reminding me but i dont think it is. its just too much stress...over not knowing anything and yet im still sitting here complaining rather than doing anything about it.

forgive me my weakness..

i didnt think i would have to do this, but an evening of random eating , stress and too much goaless football has left me like this..cant sleep.

these days im getting some really long and complex dreams aswell...they just go on forever and they are so long and have chapters to them that i even forget parts of them. only this morning i woke up feeling depressed....asking my self mentally on my mood, i found that i was indeed depressed because of what had happened in the dream, only it was a dream and then i wasnt so depressed anymore.

most of my dreams are just random, but yesterday night was specific, as it included a wierd kind of mandir that i know..well i cant say for sure ...but i dont think it exits...ok im freaking myself out. enough of that

i know this will sound really wierd but the thought of university life is depressing me. the course is fine, i love it, its going to be my life. but on and overall note when i think about it, it becomes a dingy thought. perhaps college was soo good in terms of friends and social life that i worry that university just cant get better or can it? only time will tell. i see myself more often than not in some work shop, wood work, metal, plastic or in the library or on CAD in the computer suite...its just not exciting enough. i think im goingg to hate the first term like i hated college...but the more i hated college at the beginning the more i liked it at the end and the harder it became to leave, i think the same thing may occur again on a even grander scale.

i was wondering if i would meet the odd international student, portuguese perhaps, im asking for tooo much now. ive always wannted someone who i could relate to about how they are finding living in england...part of my love for cristiano was because i could relate to him so well.

that song seems to return to my mind every evening.......speaking quitely .carefully. not letting the words drop and smash from your mouth for they shall be revealed to others. and now its not letting me go to sleep, buzzing around my mind like a buzzy bee.

ahh. yes i feel like a half genius having just editted the html of the template so that now the twitter link does send you staight to my twitter. not thats it very exciting but having half dead hyperlinks is no fun.

i want dreamweaver now!

right, im having one of thos grimy horrid headachy days where youve woken up late, keep yawning all day, get headaches by the evening as you just havent rested enough and ..done. the days messed up.

oh and then revision. i dont feel like ive done sufficient work to be able to portray my real capabilities in the exams.

i was thinking today. no actually since i arrived in leicester and since the whole issue came up, where we make fun out of our own culture. i understand to a certain extent. but i think its high time people stopped making fun out of who we actually are. we dont even know the reall meaning of the word "freshie" and we go round randomly tagging people who seem to show their culture......haha. ok fine its funny when you have the odd indian ringtone go off on the bus or something..

but i think most young british indians have a sense of arrogance about them. for if you have never been in the absence of it, you shall never realise its importance. i devour off the indian culture that is present here, who knows when im out of this place due to career or what ever other reasons i will miss this strong presence of culture that surrounds me now. the fact that i arrived from a place where, in those days, there was only one indian vegetable shop in the entire capital city, one dry indian goods shop and indian clothes shops were almost non existent makes me want to love the things here even more. so yeah i may be freshie if thats how you want to put it. ...but in my words its just my affection towards who i am and im just loving it for as long as i have it ...because one day perhaps i wont.

well im hoping for an early night today after some maths and football. cant stop thinking about the camera, its so compact and yet so powerful..

the idea of learning portuguese and getting a rigid qualification in it has taken off in a large way in the family now and im rather keen on getting to grips with my national language i think i have always felt a slight emptiness not having it as tool by which to arm myself with. ...its about time i got on and took it seriously as i do beleive it will be a large factor in my future.

and yeah . ive opened the comments up for all readers, so do feel free.
im talking to much so..

that number 17 cristiano ronaldo shirt thats been hanging in my room for almost 4 years now, i decided to take it off the hanger and wear it, tucked it in, its big . if they even go through past the group stages i have a real desire which i like to ignore, to wear it out of the house. sometimes i get anxious that i might get attacked. if i like ronaldo so much there are others out there who hate him as much and i think, is it worth it ..being kicked punched or bullied because of cristiano. i shouldnt be thinking like this. its should all be unrequitted......

i want to write something but im falling sleep.
i hate late nights which follow on to late mornings, i seem to either develop heachaches on such days or just wake up in a bad mood as i have wasted what could have been valuable revision time. and then theres those mornings when i do wake up early and waste time...either way im annoyed i waste time and still annoyed that i lacked motivation for revision which resulted in the time being wasted. enough revision reviews of my all to often abandoned or non existant revisions though.

hm. found myself humming the song i posted below..as i went about doing my daily routine ...little worried now. oh yes world cup reminds me..shakira.ronaldo. i must post that video montage of cristiano with shakiras hips dont lie,...oh baby when you talk like that you make a woman go mad...in this case id like to reform that and say. oh baby when you talk, walk, wink, smile, run, dribble, scream, shout, eat...kiss, laugh...my minds running out of verbs...you make me loose all sense.....

looking around my room, im starting to comprhend only now, the extent of this years after college shopping trips, weekend mad man purchases and unecessary events which i bought new clothes for. nicely reformed wardrobe i must ssay, feel like gok when i find myself sitting at the sewing maachine adding on the odd bit of haberdashery item on my clothes. but no. more than anything this academic year has seen mee change in appearence in a mammoth way. 1. ive put on like so mmany kilograms i dont bother to check my weight i mean when one can feel flab around the neck and wrist, you know your in trouble. 2...shirts, shirts and more shirts i turned into a shirt maniac. 3. jacket...jacket shirt, shirt jacket...it just made me feel like an architect..now i want a tie M&S and next are good..ive had my eye on then for soooome time.i dont know why but i liked to get into the whole architect way...4. broaches. 5 scarves....the gucci designs and other such designer remakes remain my favourites but on a practical level i always had the blue polka dot one on. i just adore the way the womens scarves are making such a come back this spring and summer season because ive actually lived long enough to remember the last time they were such a hype. in portugal atleast, all the middle aged women had one,.the high class wore them over the head with large shades going around in convertibles. the most amusing aspect was that as a child i hated my mum wearing one of these scarves over her head....and now im loving them...only to hear mother complain how i wouldnt let her wear it then. its the 80's or 90's im talking about and i do love those decades. for it reminds me especially of a torrential downpour one winter evening that occured in lisbon, my mother in her courrt shoes, her white and brown bordered muted sari, the gucci remake scarf, and how we both walked down the sleeply gradiented street after drawing the shutters down, the cobbled streets becoming a prominent hazard with the amount of water passing over it, my clothes getting wetter . it was dark, but the street shone under the moonlight, the water gushed downwards ......and i wonder sometimes are my memories fading or becoming ever more vibrant by the day?

oh my, this is real torture, need to sleep ..

Upon reading me recent posts again...im finding it really annoying that i actually cant spell. so i would like to apologise for even the most blatant spelling mistakes. as im just not able to see them while typing ...like a blind bat..and posting without rechecking!!

ah .ok just discovered the spell checker does exist. so i hope the spelling mistakes do cease to exit from now on..

I remember as a young girl, of 8 perhaps seeing this video on some Asian channel. and somehow it has some kind of magic attached to it, it had made a mark is some way. as today it crossed my mind again as i went through my physics revision...perhaps because of the cross culture relationship that is being shown..Sydney just reminds me of back home. everything just reminds me of back home coming to think of it. river, bridge, building of some prominent style and i remember home. :D

its just an amazing composition in terms of music, have to admit i dont understand the entire breadth of the lyrics and how it all fits in with the situation being shown but its a heart touching, soul warming video ...actually the girl reminds me of myself..the hair, the plastic bangles, the clothes ( not that i wear indian clothes on a day to day basis but my inner self does), the rangoli. haha. i do make myself go out in to the cold and make a rangoli every diwali...no cristiano yet with his "rugby" ball ..im dreaming way out of control now...anything is possible.

it makes me feel increasingly positive about cristiano., everything is possible when we unblock our rigid ways. perhaps im turning in to a a pankaj udhas fan. ew. lol he looks like some weird guy who sings really depressing love songs or something..but i think they are cool at times..especially when they become situational as they portray a sensitive side of life which these days has become difficult to view through our changed lifestyles.

physics revision is running well right now and i do feel that little bit more confident about it..i hope my brain decideds to function on the day. but even after saying that i still have maths to do. alot of maths. only realised this morning that the amount of maths i have done in the last couple of days is phenomenal so ive taken a break from trigonometric differentiation today to equating equations to do with gravitational potential and coulombs law..almost as bad.! ...

I cant believe this anymore, i have real issues.. you can prove, blogging from the smartphone.
Its nearing eleven and im so tired i feel like a wrecked corpse but this tiredness surpasses so i cant even sleep. all i can smell is the polo sport raulph lauren mens perfume i sprayed on this evening. bad decision....its left me pretty annoyed now.
From a deep and intense social life to being caught in the realms of the cyber world im finding myself increasingly inclined towards the blog. The overall time spent with friends diminishes to nothingness and now look ive resorted to talking to myself. for who is going to bother to read this..?


revision tomorrow. i was primarily planning to wake up early, todays breakfast accompanied with bbc breakfast news felt somewhat professional, scenic and in a positive way cliched. i dont see myself waking up to repeat this mornings fortunes, seeing as i have decided to write some long stuff down on here..

ah yes another aspect of life which was previously just a thought, an outside consideration another persons loose ideas have today unconsciously become a part of me.settled within me.. im talking about choosing between your career and personal life, it comes a choice im having to make a little early, for its not possible to have both

coming from and indian family, conservative but modern the very aspects that made me proud are today are suppressing me in to a more tighter space where i feel there is little room to move. my parents have always wanted me to become a professional..but my overpowering sense of determination has lead to choosing a career which really does ask for alot more than it is allowed to. architecture my love, i called it my love, now it shall become my partner, as my friends gets boyfriends ...and even get married..and perhaps even have children ill be with architecture my first and only love. haha. im making this sound terrible. but i love it alot and anything for it. i feel like the architecture version of a nun or something...whats worse is that not only is the course lengthy but to really establish yourself in the profession you need a good deal of experience im talking about ten to fifteen years to become a senior or associate.
nevertheless i feel an infinite drive withing my even now as i am in a half sleep mode...i need a journal . i need to let this energy out, i keep getting design ideas. i keep seeing things. i need to draw before it bursts in side and poisons me..

i keep hearing cristiano. my AAG cristiano wanting to know his and anishas future in the novel...i need to let this out ..and let it be transformed into words.

i think i am going a little insane.perhaps its just the time of day

(white ivory, french rose,)rimmel london.art journal..zzzitswaypastmybedtime.

yep. ive changed the template for the blog.
I thought, new blogging year so..might aswell get the design up to date with my current taste. well this is what i found...its ok i suppose. the black strips on either side are annoying though. needed to blend more.! but im rather fond of the vector art at the top and the burnt/ erroded paper edges. still some things to sort out... theres a twitter link only it doesnt go to any specific place. annoying
and i need to add a hyperlink to the novel picture on the right...but the CR17 forum is very very . extremely busy right now so i cant even enter the website. it goes to show that yes us fan girls are mad. so mad that we do cause a a lot of interent traffic in to the forum! or perhaps we just have too many opinions about cristiano which will like to exert upon one another! :)

love this song . for it reminds me of 10th march onwards towards the last few days of college.

10th march? it was the day i found out what the future was going to hold for me, the applicant open day for the architecture coure. i remember quite clearly walking past the what used to be the pheonix theatre and then in to the university campus, confident as i ever could be and this song racing through my mind ..."tere liye" literally translating as "for you" and for architecture i could do anything..the wind brushing my hair back and it felt as though i was walking towards me future against all the resistances...oh just an amazing time...thats recaptivated with this song on a personal level.

I didnt know i was going to be so shaken for this exam. life depends on it now ...college really does desensetise (sp.) you to exams with 4 rounds!! over two years. im not enjoying it even though its the last time. perhaps as it is the last time. no more retake opportunities!

nani rules out the world cup. oh great. (not. im freaking out a bit now) what are portugals prospects now? :

Its getting late now, nearing 9pm. though today im trying to channel my exhausted energies back in to activities enjoy, blogging is considered to be one. Perhaps such routines shall help me get back in to a good revision routine too. I realised some hours ago that exams are coming fast, and soon they become intenese when i will be doing three exams in a matter of three days so im worrying now, or perhaps planning on how to mentally be prepared for some sort of failure.

Im not quite sure but this year, academically it hasnt been so good. Ok so the art was fine, thats because i have a genuine interest in it and thats where i find my future to lie. Maths and physics can also be an integral part of my life and career but somehow i dont want them to be and therefore they shall not and so my interest in these subjects has died down right down to nil and then in to negative numerals...the only motivation towards these subjects is the need to to well, the desire for success in what ever action you take and do it the best you can.

Theres almost like a block against these subjects my mind refuses to budge, the brain cells call a hault , a strike. please may i be excused from these subjects now, its beyond conprehension now on how bad im finding it to go through the exams for these subjects. I hope this is the last of the venomous torture i have to go through. From here onwards i see history and technology lectures..photoshop, CAD and studio and workshop based life.!

The small period in life which follows after the end of an art course..life without art is like a life lived without self realisation. hm.
Its been about a month since the art course finished now, and it seems as though the intricacy, the elaboration and the detail has been gotten ridden off..all thats follows is the maths and physics now.

i miss going to the art shops, thats the worst part of it. Some days i get the feeling, "oh yeah!.got to visit the art shop for new materials!" only to later realise i dont need to go to the art shop, paper, new markers, paints or inks are no longer a requirement

But it doesnt have to be like this and im hoping on keeping a sketchbook close to me on my trip to Lisbon this July. Last time i think i made myself photograph as many buidings as possible, thought looking back at them i find myself in a better position in terms of knowledge to try again on this trip, the photos, the sketches ...and see how it turns out.

Everytime i think of the up coming Lisbon trip, (volcanic ash clouds permitting. its been bothering me..what if it erupts again and we cant go?)/..all i think about is food. haha. there was a time i could go without eating for hours and hours, but now all i think about is the chocolate cake that i ate on my last trip sitting at the side of the river, the barbequed chicken on the shingle beach and the icecreams as we walked along the cobble streets.

Another must-have, target of this trip is to purchase another pair of sandles from Seaside. that place is just too good to be true and im hoping to get my third pair very soon. Sounding mad, i know, but its the type of place you enter knowing youll leave with a new pair of shoes that will last for a long long time.